invisible

Have you ever wanted to be invisible?  Or felt like you were invisible?  It might sounds silly or like something out of a Harry Potter movie, but I've realized lately that I have a problem with wanting to be invisible.  This post might be sharing too much, but then I think that's the whole problem - I may need to be more open, vulnerable, visible.  ;)  So, here goes... This is my attempt to try to start to figure out and overcome (at least to some degree) my desire to be invisible.  :)

I've thought and written a little about this before (okay, a lot, but I didn't realize it):

• Connected (September 2011)
• Here to Learn (June 2012)
• Team, Community, Companionship, Connections (August 2012)
• Inspired (July 2012)
• Courage, Confidence (August 2012)
• Confidence in Him (October 2012)
• Window to His Love (June 2013)
• Freedom (July 2013)
• Claustrophobia vs. an open heart (July 2013)
• music (September 2013)
• Do you have room? (December 2013)
• Accepting Love (February 2014)
• When our fears shall flee away (October 2015)
• To Be Known (January 2016)

As I mentioned in June 2013, I have liked the song "A Window to His Love" for a while, but I am realizing more and more how much I have misunderstood and misinterpreted its message.  I started to realize my problem with being invisible a little over a year ago.  I was talking to a friend about an experience I had running into someone who many people would know.  I had actually talked and worked with her a bit just before we ran into each other, but I was "invisible" (just an email).  I would never have expected her to know who I was and I didn't want her to feel bad for any reason that she didn't....so I didn't say anything to her about the fact that we had talked recently or introduce myself in the context that she would have recognized.  Being the neat person that she is she stopped and asked me about myself and undoubtedly this came up and then she felt bad for not recognizing me.  So, it got me thinking....is there ever a reason to pretend to be small or less than we are?

Marianne Williamson has said, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

How can we...how can I be true?  genuine?  By being visible.  Being me.  ;)  I think one reason I've liked "A Window to His Love" so much and why I feel invisible is because I'm an introvert.  I like to be in the background.  I recharge by having quiet time to myself and this song seemed to give me permission to be that - quiet, in the background, invisible, but....maybe that's selfish.  By not inserting myself or allowing others into my life I'm not giving all that I can or should and not growing as I could, either.  I think that what I sometimes saw as "humility" or an occasional lack of confidence might actually have been a form of pride.  Interestingly enough I just found this article by Julie de Azevedo Hanks (the one who wrote "Window to His Love") - 4 Ways What You Think is Humility Could Actually be Pride.  Good article! 

I work in a setting where I relate to the idea of wanting "to be so pure and clear that [no one will] even know I'm here, 'cause His love will shine brightly through me."  I don't want to do anything to diminish or distract or tarnish, so sometimes I think it's best to be "invisible" and not insert myself. And again it goes along with my introverted personality and the fact that I like to observe.  ;)  I love this blog post by a friend of mine that I knew in DC.  I've felt similarly sometimes - “Enough had been thought, and said, and felt, and imagined.  It was about time that something should be done.”  :)

I think this being invisible thing is related to faith, fear - confidence, courage - humility, pride - passive, active - visible, seen, real, open, vulnerable, broken - being present, connected - showing who you are, the good the bad - being genuine - accepting love and giving love - remembering that no man is an island - being mindful - repenting, changing, growing - being committed and invested.

Elder Quentin L. Cook posted something related and helpful on Facebook recently:
"It is common today to hide one’s identity....What we are seeing in society is that when people wear the mask of anonymity, they are more likely to engage in [hateful] conduct, which is so destructive of civil discourse. It also violates the basic principles the Savior taught.
"The righteous need not wear masks to hide their identity. I encourage you to continue to seek to become who you should be—a disciple of Jesus Christ in thought and in action. Set goals to apply Christlike attributes to your lives and pray for help in developing them. As you do, you will allow yourself to be an influence for good wherever you are."

I don't think we need to insert ourselves or draw attention to ourselves unnecessarily.  I think there is still value to being observant, thoughtful, and considerate of others and those qualities are valued in some instances, I'm sure, but for me (and maybe others like me) I think I may need to be more aware of the times where I turn inward and assume speaking up might be getting in the way.

Maybe a better word for me in that song might be 'instrument'....instead of being a window to His love maybe I need to work on being an instrument in His hands.  I shouldn't focus on not being seen, but on using my unique talents and experiences to do His work and His will.  That could be scary and hard, so that's where the faith, repentance, courage comes in.  Ultimately, I think many of these thoughts come down to the fact that we need to try to become more like the Savior.  I think that's really the intent behind those words - window and instrument.  He was never invisible.  He was always there giving and caring about everyone around him.  Even when He looked for time alone there were often people that followed and He would still reach out and treat everyone with respect and love.  He had no selfish desires, but was open to giving and loving others, being seen, being a part of the world around Him then and still.  :)  He's there, not hidden from us.

As we learn of Him, walk with Him, I believe we find more confidence and courage to do His will.  I don't think it will have anything to do with being invisible, but in being alive and active and involved and happy.  Believing in Him helps us believe in ourselves and with His help we can be more than we thought possible.  That's the Plan and that's the power of His love that He wants us to feel and then share.  ;)  "Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever" (Moroni 7:44-48).